The Hidden Benefits of the Corona Pandemic

I hope this finds you alone in your room, relaxing in your favorite chair with your favorite snack within arms reach, and you have just finished two hours watching your favorite TV program. This article, written tongue-in-cheek is to cheer you up before you start lamenting the lockdown that you know fully well, is for your own good. Please know I have written the article sitting alone in my favorite chair with my favorite snack . . . .etc etc .

This Corona pandemic has turned out to be “Panic-demic.” The scale of panic and alarm raised in our minds by the corona virus has far surpassed recurring panic states we Indians are accustomed to — from minor ones like mounting onion prices or rising water levels in one’s ground floor, to major ones like wide-spread strike by sanitary workers or leaders disappearing from view in dense Delhi smog. I gather that this corona panic has precipitated coronary incidents in some hyper-anxious high-strung hypertensives.

The reasons for this panic are not difficult to see as we analyze the activities of this ultramicroscopic abomination, an ugly sphere with pox-like eruptions all over, with doubts raised even on their status as living entities. Christened ‘Covid-19’, and derided as just “gift-wrapped nuclei acid bereft of life” by some microbiologists, this miniscular monster has enveloped us physically, mentally and emotionally pushing us to the border of frenzy. After just watching images of magnified corona particles menacingly floating on the TV screen, I have seen one nervous elderly asthmatic clean the TV screen with a sanitizer. And after just watching her frail hubby thus engaged, his robust wife went to wash her hands with Dettol soap with a double frothing around her wedding ring finger!

What on earth is going on?

Let’s sit back and discuss this over a cup of virtual tea. The disease is brand new, and being just 4 months old and still in infancy, it is behaving irresponsibly and unpredictably. It is only a few months back, that the first batch of the world’s patients as well as the doctors treating them, experienced this disease for the first time in their lives. Both were suffering in the process; even as the patients were asking ‘what on earth is going on’, their doctors were asking the same question. The situation is like as they say, - ‘there is no separate peeing section in a swimming pool’. The doctors have been studying the disease since, and even as it is spreading like Sydney bush fire and killing many in its wake including many of their colleagues.

Patients are presenting in multiple ways . . . with some patients testing positive but saying "I’ve never felt better in my life" (and happily sharing the virus with others at a party that evening) to those who die within a week of the first cough, lying ashen under a ventilator hood with not a familiar face anywhere close, to bid good-bye.

There is no vaccine to stop the corona march, no drugs to cure it and no age, sex or race, religion, political affiliation is exempt! It does not respect national borders and income disparities. Men suffer and die in greater numbers for some reason and some smug women interviewed, said they were not surprised at this finding. This has only enhanced her faith in Karma theory, as one said.

There is no question that until we get an antiviral drug that will cure the infection, and manufacture a preventive vaccine that will protect us from the virus, we have to meticulously follow the instructions advised by the medical scientists.

So what is to be done? As ‘honest Abe’ Lincoln said the best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend. Ruminate on his good points, he said, and stretch out your palm (19th century ‘high five’). Today, we should approach this enemy likewise except for the hand- proffering bit. The virus is notorious for biting the hand that nourishes it, and my little study has revealed facts worthy of more study. You will be amazed at the subtle benefits we are reaping not by the virus per se, but from the lock downs, social distancing and home confinements, the much-lauded-but-more-loathed preventive strategies advocated.

To come to the crux

: For the first time in human history, all the peoples of the world have the same opinion on a single matter; that this Covid-19 is obnoxious, unwelcome and should be exterminated, or at least disabled.

: Social distancing and quarantines protect you from compulsive huggers, halitotic acquaintances, and saliva sprayers. And these measures save you and your family from casual visitors with noisy children staying on after tea, and elderly neighbors reliving their youth in 2 hour stretches, comfortably sunk in your sofa and on your favorite corner on the sofa and feeding on carbohydrates provided. 

: Dieting is easier and painless as hotels and eateries are closed and fast fattening foods are unavailable.

:Reduction in alcohol intake happens due to closed liquor shops, defunct club bars, persistent proximity to spouse and watchful curious children keen to partake.

: You walk more on the terrace, or within the compound and use muscles you never knew you had.

: Unexpected short freedom from income tax hearings, court summons, dental appointments, and colonoscopy dates. No explanation is expected in any situation.

:Less road accidents - due to far less traffic, and presence of more policemen and rash driving youth having no where to go to.

: Less petty crimes and incidents - - like chain snatching (as there are no lone walkers), less pickpocketing (almost impossible from 6 feet), no dog bites (street dogs have perished due to starvation and laryngitis).

: pronounced fall in incidence of minor ailments in the community- - as doctors’ clinics are closed and the public realize that many ailments are imaginary, and the rest of illnesses are self- limiting; it is known that very few patients die when family doctors go on a strike. Also, closed offices promote immunity in employees.

: less corruption in Government offices with palms that are used to grease getting sanitized at home with alcohol, an enemy of grease. There are no fresh legal documents to be stamped, or plans to be approved. Death certificates are sent by post from hospitals (to be opened after exposure to bright sun for an hour, according to one WhatsApp reader (since deceased).

: Reduced funeral expenses as there is no immediate corpse to justify the expense. Hospitals conduct funerals free and in healthy aseptic environment. Each funeral carries a message - "Those who failed to keep six feet between, go six feet under".

:Less news of sexual assaults (potential assaulters get frightened by fear of infection from mouth of wailing victim, as also worries over sexual transmission of the virus.

:Less terrorist activities like suicide bombings - as scatter-brained terrorists have read in some clandestine social medium, that smoke from home-made bombs kills all corona viruses within 10 miles radius, with its lethal effect lasting for 3 subsequent months. This stalls their immediate plans to scatter their scanty brains.

: Less tests by North Korea as nobody is bothered about Kim Jong-un’s bimonthly pranks.

: Cleaner roads, less noise, no political meetings, no processions, less weddings.

:Husbands realise meals don’t cook by themselves, and a house doesn’t clean itself, and to their surprise, hear repeatedly from their wives, that the happiest part of their day all along have been the times he was away in his office.

: Men can grow mustache and/ or beard to see what they would look like if they changed their religion. Or one could start a Mohawk hair style; this is easily doable at home - wear a cap reaching down to the top of your ears. Now closely trim all the ugly sprouts below. Ask wife to help. Any wife would happy for the chance of an accidental snip.

Please think up other benefits. You will get to embrace the disease, and may die laughing or coughing.

Dr.G.Lakshmipathi, Coronologist